Man-hands!

My hands are HUGE.

Seriously.

According to the internet (which knows everything, let’s not fool ourselves here) I have man-hands. Ack. My hand is 7” from the bottom of the palm to the tip of my middle finger, and my wrist is 6” around. Evidently the avg wrist measurement is 5”. This will So. Not. Work.

Unfortunately I can’t change the length of my hands, but I can work on the wrist measurement.

 

And I’m still 169 after almost a week…ew…

 

On another note, I’ve rediscovered this:

 

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135…………………………169……….185

170. And not moving.

Okay, I’m DONE playing around.

Screw this.

Why the HELL can’t I break that 170lbs barrier?

Well ya know what? It’s coming off. Oh yes…it WILL come off. Even if someone has to die for it. I’m tired of this crap.

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135………………………170………185

Day 2 of soup

I think the soup might be upsetting my stomach. Or maybe I’m having too much of it. It’s strange…my stomach’s growling all the time…but I’m really full. As in, extremely full. How strange.

Also, lightheadedness sucks. I think, when my head starts to spin, it’s time to eat.

In other news, I’m SO watching Bleach again. I’d forgotten how good the anime was, not just the manga. Hopefully they can keep away from fillers for a decent while, so I can enjoy more of the sexiness Kubo-sensei brings. The anime’s reached Szayel and Nnoitra’s fights…omg…love them…

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135…………………………174…….185

EDIT: 8:27pm – Exercise today was a total failure, I couldn’t manage for more than 20 mins -__-

Water intoxication?

I’ve been thinking. And I’m really hungry (my meal of the day, soup, is taking FOREVER to cook, literally hours, wtf).

And, I don’t want to get an ulcer. I got one before in sixth form, when I didn’t really eat much…and it wasn’t pleasant. So I figure drinking a lot of water will help dilute the stomach acid. Logical so far? Good.

BUT.

Drinking a lot of water’s bad for you, since you pass out a lot of electrolytes and don’t take in many. I drink a LOT. Not enough that I could die, I think that’s a matter of the time frame as well, but enough that I’m concerned. Definitely more than the eight to ten glasses you’re supposed to take in. I think I’m going to dump some Lucozade or Gatorade in my water…just a little…so I can be safe.

I’m actually somewhat concerned about my health, I guess.

Mmm…fast food

So I’m back at 176….darn…

Took a friend out to get his driver’s permit and he got me food….damn this fast food…so apart from Popeyes (which I absolutely enjoyed, btw), I had half a bagel. I shudder to think how many calories were in the fast food…I was gonna exercise today too, but then….it didn’t happen. It’s hard enough exercising with one person in the room, but with more than one, I just can’t psych myself up to do it. So bye-bye elliptical machine.

I’m going to look for an exercise bike tomorrow, so I can exercise in the privacy of my own house. My poor money’s leaving me so quickly…

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135……………………………176….185

Weight Loss Drama (not)

So. I tried eating somewhat moderately for a month, and exercising.

I have to say, exercise is a BITCH. It’s horrible. I need to pick up tennis again because exercise for its own sake is terrible. Jogging, crunches/situps, pushups, the works…ew.

AND I ONLY LOST 4 LBS!

Yep, 4. For the whole month. And the funny thing is, I stopped exercising for 4 days, and I regained them all. Not cool, man.

So I’ve started Plan B. I’ve been very restrictive with my food intake for almost a week now, in hope that it’ll help. And it has. I was 183 when I started Plan B (yeah, I’d gained even more weight >_<) and nowwww I’m 175. Cool shit. The only problem is, I’m starting to hate drinking water, heh. I drink so much of it, I’m surprised I don’t look like a water fountain yet.

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135………………..…….….175….185

Necromancy

…And I can rise from hell
With a bloody kiss dragged across the glass
The closest I can get to the world outside
Your shape is a portal, your silhouette the door
My blood…the key

On selfishness and humanity

Despite the fact that I’m required to study literature to complete my major (Spanish, btw), I tend not to analyse books, movies, anything. I’m not really concerned with why anything happens, or if the text is a reflection of whichever sociopolitical scene, or whatever. I don’t try to find meanings in things, or to identify with fictional characters. I read to enjoy the content, not to examine it.

So it’s really surprising that I find myself consciously comparing myself and Sam Vimes. He’s a character in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, a policeman. In one of the books (Thud! 2005) he’s the target of an ancient evil force, the Summoning Dark…it tries to possess him, but keeps getting repelled by something already living inside him. At the end of the book, it’s revealed that (yes, spoiler, lol) what’s inside him is the Guarding Dark…it watches him, never letting anything else interfere with what’s innately him. On another occasion, in another book (don’t remember which one), the Patrician of the city asks him “qui custodiet ipsos custodes?” ie, ‘who guards the guards?’…basically asking, if the police are responsible for the fates of those they watch over, who keeps them in line? Vimes’ answer is simple. “I do.”

I’ve always been fascinated by the concept of watching life as an outsider. Possibly because it’s true for me, and I think it’s true for everyone else, whether they realise it or not. I don’t actually FEEL anything, except when it concerns me and/or the few people I truly, honestly care about. People are suffering, dying everywhere, and honestly, I don’t give a shit. I really only care because if it’s allowed to continue, it’ll eventually infiltrate and mess up my pretty little sphere of existence. Which I would find highly irritating. So I force myself to act.

This is the essence of a society. People aren’t instinctively pack animals. People are instinctively selfish, and want to feel safe, and warm, and happy. Being part of a group that accepts you is what leads to these feelings, unless you can manage to induce them on your own, which rarely happens. So we have our Peace Corps, we have the great USA…the World Police (lol), we have our little cliques and societies…all selfish, all designed (subconsciously of course) to force people to act towards the goal of maximum personal benefit. This also is why socialism and communism are declining…they’re a marked improvement on the feudal system in terms of selfishness potential, but you can’t beat capitalism for potential for personal gain. Someone said once (don’t remember where, sorry) that we COULD actually have an equal society, if we did away with the super-rich and super-poor. But even the super-poor don’t want to do away with the super-rich, and create an equal society…sure, the people themselves might be hated, but not-so-very deep down…the masses will never rise up in a super-Marxist revolution, because they don’t want to do away with the establishment. They want to BE the establishment. They want the jaguars and diamonds and hilltop mansions and skinny blondes. So for this, they eat shit, kiss ass, grovel, live their lives in squalor and sometimes come to work and shoot everyone then themselves.

All of this could be not fixed but maybe eased a bit, if people realised they really, truly were alone…if all of this subconscious could transcend its own nature and become conscious. How many people really, REALLY know they’re alone? And can understand the depth of their solitude? Can people in general stand aside and watch their actions and interactions clinically, impartially, and KNOW that no-one else can affect them without their permission? Dr. Karl Menninger teaches us in Man Against Himself (1938) that depression, despair, suicide, and general unhappiness is caused by a lack of self-awareness. What’s called for is self-control. Not self-control as you’d normally think of it, but self control so complete that you can control your own mind, and your reactions to events. Then, and only then, will you have peace and happiness.

On the other end of the spectrum, you could possibly exist as a creature of pure emotion, accepting everything the world throws at you and FEELING it completely. I think that way, your happiness caused by external forces will be brighter, and your unhappiness from externals might be shorter-lived as well….but I’m not sure. It’s never struck me as being a particularly secure way to live, and security is a priority for me. I’m a very selfish person.

I’m human, after all.

[PLACEHOLDER]

This is only here so I can stop seeing the stupid 404 error when viewing my home page….I don’t have jack shit to say right now.